URINAL ETIQUETTE

Men are territorial by nature.  We live in artificially close quarters.  That leads to some unspoken rules for males.  Many of those rules apply to when it is time to urinate. 

Most public places have urinals.  In fact, I have considered putting one in the corner of my garage.  That would be awesome.  My sons think it is a great idea.

There are four cardinal rules of men's bathrooms.  1. Do not talk when urinating.  It is distracting and may cause a condition known as pee-shyness.  This condition affects many men's ability to initiate a urination.  Talking may be engaged when all parties have finished the business end of the bathroom trip.   2. Don't look anywhere but directly in front of you or at the ceiling.  3.  It is imperative that you don't touch another man while he urinates.  Even if you realize from your peripheral vision that the man peeing next to you is your long lost brother.  Patting him on the shoulder while urinating could cause a psychological disturbance making pee-shyness a permanent condition  4. Follow urinal etiquette as explained below.  (Notice there is no rule on washing hands.  There is some pressure to do this when in a group of three or more, but it is not required.)

Urinal Etiquette is based on the number of urinals and how many stations are in use when you enter the bathroom.  These rules apply regardless of how bad you need to use the bathroom, but might be broken if you are using the bathroom with a close friend or family member. 

Single Urinal Scenarios

The single urinal is the most common scenario a man faces.  If it is unoccupied, you are free to use it.  If it is occupied, one must wait in line against the wall furthest from the urinal, or use the toilet, preferably with the door locked.

Double Urinal Scenarios

If there is no metal divider between the urinals, a double urinal should be treated as a single unit.  Again, you should wait against the wall furthest from the urinals, or use the toilet.  If there is a divider and one urinal is in use the second one is fair game. 

Triple Urinal Scenarios

Most establishments that can afford triple urinals, have gone through the expense of partitioning them off.  Therefore most buildings with three or more urinals do not need to be treated as singles.  However, if you are visiting an establishment without partitions, treat the urinal array as a single entity. 

If there are three vacant urinals, it is forbidden to use the middle urinal as it makes the other two urinals occupied.  Compare this to "ghost runners" in baseball.  There isn't anyone on base, but yet there is.  So, the general rule is that there is a "ghost pee-er" in all adjacent spaces.  Therefore, the first person to enter the bathroom must use urinal one or three, leaving a ghost pee-er on the second urinal.  The second visitor can take the other side, and if a third person happens to show up, he can displace the "ghost pee-er" and fill in the middle position, but only if urinals one and three are occupied.

Four Urinal Scenarios

As with triple urinals, the outermost must be used first.  Some confusion arises for the third visitor as he must choose between urinals two and three.  Usually he will choose the station closer to the man he is less intimidated by.  If station one is occupied by a five foot man and station four is occupied by a six foot six inch man, and you are shorter than six foot six, station two is your best bet.  However, if you are over six foot six, or are extremely confident, you may choose station three.  The fourth visitor need not worry about confidence or intimidation, and can merely displace the ghost pee-er from the remaining station.

Five Urinal Scenarios

In this situation the middle urinal may be approached by the first visitor as it leaves stalls one and five open for the next visitor.  The remaining stalls can then be broken down as three station configurations with one end taken. 

Unique Scenarios

Troughs at Angel Stadium

When I was a kid growing up in Southern California, my dad took me to an Angel baseball game.  At angel stadium, we fought our way into the bathroom between innings with fifty other men.  I really had to go.  Two sodas were fighting their way though my bladder when we stood in line to use "The trough".  It was just like a horse watering station, a long trough with water running in one end and draining out the other side.  I walked up and unzipped to find the trough full of ice.  Not only was I surrounded by a dozen other grown men with no partitions, but I was expected to pee on ice.  Pee-shyness kicked in for a good two minutes as I tried my darnedest to get rid of my excess fluid.  My dad telling me to hurry up did not help.  Finally relief came and I melted an ice cube.  It was a novelty I have not duplicated at any other venue.  Thank you Angels stadium.

Harassing your brother

While on a road trip with my younger brother we stopped to get gas and use the bathroom.  He knows I try to make him pee-shy by standing in the station next to him and kicking him while he tries to go.  On this occasion he decided to use a toilet stall and he locked the door behind him.  I heard the him lift the lid and start to urinate.  Since there were no other patrons in the bathroom, and I was in dirty clothes to begin with, I rolled onto the floor in front of his stall and slid on my back like a mechanic, sliding under the opening under his stall door.  I grabbed both of his feet with my hands and screamed at the top of my lungs.  He jumped about ten feet in the air, totally unsuspecting of my attack.  I'm pretty sure urine hit the roof and the wall behind the toilet as he jumped out of the way.  I shimmied back out of the stall faster than his expletives to avoid being kicked.   That prank broke three of the cardinal rules.  I spoke, touched, and broke the stall spacing rules.  However, I did not peek. Since he is already permanently pee-shy there was no harm done.