Mysterious woman parts

My wife went to a woman's conference. She left last night.

I woke up this morning needing an extra blanket without her warm body next to me. When I got up to fetch more bedding a shiver ran down my spine. I sensed a disturbance in the force. The balance of testosterone to estrogen was shifting. The morning sky darkened. The hair stood up on my neck and my male dog growled. I climbed back into bed and pulled the covers over my head.

I was afraid... very afraid.

My wife issued an ultimatum before she left town. She banned me from pet stores, hobby shops, home improvement stores, and any place that rhymed with Cabelas. I hid my wallet so she couldn't hide my credit cards. Last time she went to a women's conference I bought a new ferret. Her distrust is warranted. She even threatened that if I ever wanted to see her mysterious woman parts again, there better not be any more animals here when she got back. She even took a head-count to reassure me she knew how many animals we had. One dog, two ferrets, one bird, three lizards, a frog, and a box of crickets. So much for getting a scorpion this weekend.

I laid in bed with my thin shields covering my head. I wondered what was happening. What is a women's conference? You don't hear about guys getting together to go to men's conference. If we did have a formal get-together it wouldn't be called a men's conference. No one would come. It would be called fishing or hunting, to boost attendance.

It makes me wonder about the conspiracy that is going on this week. Are they talking about their mysterious woman parts? Are words like ovulation, menstruation, and lactation being used without their normal reverenced whisper? Is my wife blaspheming my name? Is she revealing my inadequacies as a father and husband to innumerable concourses of female acquaintances?

What propaganda is being pelted out in a large room full of women who are starting synchronized menstrual cycles? Will all the husbands who stayed home experience the same erratic behaviors in three to four weeks as all of our spouses cycle together?

I peeked out from under the covers and realized my only chance to fix the testosterone-estrogen balance was to do something manly. I got up and shaved. I put on some old spice, because the commercials say it is manly, but I have no idea. I looked down at my dog. His expression told me what I already knew. The only way to put the universe right was to go on a drive. She forgot to put tool stores on the banned shopping list. I hope she likes my new chainsaw.